Heavy and Full

"Heavy and Full"
By: Andy Thigpen



Heavy are the days
and full are the nights.

Full are the nights
filled with foggy ghosts
that whisper what used to be
like uneven cobblestones on Mobile Street
like guitar chords rambling down Court Street
like pool balls cracking and records scratching all the way down Tennessee
like street lamps turning on and dropping, flickering out
like neon and dawn mixed purple and blue in the morning.


Heavy are the days
and full are the nights.


Heavy are the days
on my shoulders, tangled in my hair
and heavy they sit/ and stare/ and sit/ and stare,
and try as I might, I can't see my house from the top of
the Christian Book Store:Pharmacy:Masonic Temple.
But at night, I can see
lights cutting through me while I balance
on the ledge and wonder what it would feel like to jump.


Heavy are the days
and full are the nights.


Heavy are the nights,
and heavy are you in my mind tonight,
but as long as I feel as strong as I feel,
I will carry you as long as I can.
And I feel pretty strong
tonight. But if I am tired in the morning,
will you lay with me awhile
and breathe with me awhile
and let me remember?


Heavy are the days
and full are the nights.


And heavy will be the air
that takes me away to the land
we once dug holes to.
Holes filled with earthworms wriggling
wet with the earth that I'll watch from my window
with no eyes to see the skyline of the cities
that fill the land where fortunes are not
printed on paper baked inside of cookies,
but instead trail out in smoky wisps from the nostrils of red dragons
that wriggle like earthworms through billions of people
throwing fireworks.


Heavy are the days
and full are the nights.


And heavy is the air
in the summer nights
wet with whiskey and full with a song
sung for each star.
I'm ready to go anywhere
I'm ready for to fade
into my own parade
cast your dancing spell my way
I'll promise to go under it.
And heavy is the night
when the songs end
and the stars wink shut
and all we have left are each other
full of each other
full of grace and fearlessness.


And full I am
of you, tonight.
And strong I am
to carry you, tonight.
And heavy are you
in my mind, tonight.
And full is the night,
tonight,
of ramblings and words and music and tears and fires and blues.


And heavy are all the days and nights,
and full is this life.

"Heavy and Full" is a poem that Andy wrote about leaving for China.

China, take care of Andy. He loves milk. He is trying to start drinking more almond milk since real milk is pretty gross. He hates being hot when he is indoors. He gets really frustrated when he is hot. He recently found out that he loves sweaters. One time, he slept for twenty six hours straight. The ladies love him. He loves peanut butter cookies and strange beers. He hates spiders. He can't draw...at all. But damn can he write. He was my first best friend. I've been trying to look out for him whenever I've found a way but now that he will be teaching English abroad...I can't. I used to come in his room when he was sleeping and make sure that his face wasn't under the covers because I was scared that he would smother himself accidentally. I used to beg him not to go too far out into the ocean because of sharks and rip tides. I used to worry that he would go through with that one dream that he had of becoming an astronaut. I used to worry that he would get in trouble with his teachers since he would never do his sketchbook assignments in elementary and middle school. I worried that he wouldn't get along with anyone when we both transferred to public schools. I worried that he would worry about me. And, sometimes he did, but he could always take care of himself. I shouldn't have worried. But, what can you do? He is out of my reach now. I can't hug him now. I can't touch his flappy face and say "Wynona Rider" in a long, drawn out way. I can't charge at him during a brother-sister battle. It'll be a year or more before I can see him and one of the things that I keep asking myself is, "What kind of people will we both be in a year?" He won't be the man that he is now. 

I won't be the woman that I am now.

How will we have changed? What will have changed? He will still be great, though. He will still be insightful, I assume. He will still be realistic, I'm sure. He will still be charming, no doubt. 

Handsome, of course. Placid, definitely. And oh, how I'll still love him and I'll still think that he was the one who hung the moon and stars and splattered paint all over the planets.

So, my main man... I'll be missing you. I'm so proud of you and the man that you have become. It is a true honor to have you as a brother and I know that you're going to have your biggest adventure yet. If you love it in China and don't want to come back, I'll understand. But still, I hope you hurry back. Thank you for the years that you've given me with you. Thank you for always being there when I needed you and for knowing what I'm thinking before I even say it. Thank you for understanding many parts of who I am and for loving me- even when it isn't easy. Thank you for being part of so many of my favorite memories. You'll never know the impact that you've had on me. But hey, that's okay.

Like I have said before, you've made me glow. 

All my love,

Little Baby Sarah Woolah Woolah Doowah Darlin'