"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile."

It's finally here.

This time of year has always meant a lot to me. I remember sitting in my little desk in elementary school, and daydreaming about autumn. I remember looking out of the tall windows in my 5th grade classroom, watching the leaves on the Bradford pear trees change into all of my favorite colors, and thinking that that was what it meant to be happy. 

I remember coming home on certain days every year and finding the house decorated with pumpkins, squash, leaves, fall flowers, and gourds. In a few months, there would be spider webs, witches, cauldrons, and black cats. A little while later, turkeys, cornucopias, pies, pilgrims, and a growing shopping list written on the back on an envelope in preparation for Thanksgiving cooking.

I can't really describe the way that I feel when the seasons change from hot to cold. I just know that I feel complete. Autumn is a part of me and it has been that way for a long as I can remember. When it's not autumn, a small part of me is missing. Of course, it's nothing that can't be dealt with. I go through every season just fine. But when autumn circles back around...it's almost as if an old love showed up at my door with a smile on his rosy-cheeked face, a bulky sweater on his back, a pumpkin in tow, a red leaf stuck in his wind-blown hair, and as he leans his walking stick against the side of my apartment building, he laughs a hearty laugh and his eyes twinkle. 

 Autumn is a piece of who I am and after a long absence, it has returned.

I wish for you all an autumn filled with joy. Take notice of the trees as they change colors, drink hot beverages, and watch movies that make your brain feel warm and fuzzy. Then when you slip your hands into your jacket pockets (regardless of your season preference), ask yourself what happiness means to you, and go find it.

 

Fall 2009-2011

2 days until fall 2012!

Grab your sweaters. It's coming.

I may or may not be autumn's biggest fan. 

5 days until fall.

18 days until Frankenweenie.

32 days until the 13 Nights of Halloween.

Mariann JohansenEllis   and     Andrea Wan

At ease, sailor.

 "For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / it's always ourself we find in the sea."

E.E. Cummings

"Grey rocks, and greyer sea, 
And surf along the shore -- 
And in my heart a name 
My lips shall speak no more."

Charles George Douglas Roberts

I feel like I'm in one of those movies where someone is softly whispering lines while the picture plays in the background. The sounds around me are quiet and I move in slow motion, extremely fast, 

or not at all. 

Like in The Tree of Life or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This is how it's been for days and I wonder when it will stop.

I want to be in a hammock. Underneath a canopy of trees with twinkling stars peeking through empty spaces between the leaves.

I want to be in an empty library. I want to run through every aisle and scream as loud as I can while my fingertips lightly graze the spines of shelved books.

I want to be in an ocean. I want the only sound around to be the sounds of seabirds and the sounds of waves as they carry me out to sea.

I want to be laying on a Persian rug. I want to spread out like a starfish and stare at the ceiling while running the palms of my hands over the ornately designed, plush surface until they feel tingly. 

I want to be in an empty art studio. Alone with nothing but paints, a large canvas, and violin music.

When I was a little girl, I wanted a sister more than anything in the world. I wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder and form braiding lines with my sisters and mother. I wanted to ride to town in a wagon. I wanted to fight the blistering cold with sisters by my side in dresses that our mother would make for us. 

-

I wanted to be Madeline and live my life in lines alongside eleven other girls. I wanted us to stay up late telling secrets and talking about the cute Spanish boy who would move in next door. 

That never happened and I don't know any Spanish boys.

I'm a sister to two incredible young men and I wouldn't have it any other way.

When I read Hansel and Gretel, I pictured Andy dropping breadcrumbs on the forest earth behind our footsteps.

When I read To Kill a Mockingbird, I pictured myself in a ham costume and Andy by my side.

When I read The Catcher in the Rye, Andy was my Holden Caulfied.

My childhood consisted of exploring underground sewers, island hopping on pillows in the living room floor, catching insects instead of screaming about them, shelling peas at my grandparent's house, sprawling out on the cool carpeted floors and playing mindless videogames on the hottest summer days,  hiking through snake-infested creeks with my brother's friends, reading The Monster at the End of This Book to my younger brother and adding horror and enthusiasm when pages were turned, watching Lord of the Rings frequently and quoting it, acting out the Twelve Days of Christmas for my parents, and having the fullest heart of any girl my age.

I would rather make an insect collection than watch a Mary Kate and Ashley movie.

I'd rather do tedious homework or read a book than talk about fashion.

I'd rather play Scrabble than curl someone's hair.

If I had the opportunity to live my life over again and pick sisters instead of brothers, I'd pick brothers every time. I've got a knight in shining armor and a gentle giant.

 My knight loves whole milk and my giant only drinks water.

My knight plays piano and my giant would be a great juggler.

My knight is taking scuba diving at UNA and my giant takes Speech Rehab at a middle school.

Andy is my night sky and Jon Christian is the stars. 

That being said, Andy took a trip this past summer that follows Steinbeck's trip in Travels with Charley. 

He's a world traveler and a lady charmer.

http://limbofthenation.wordpress.com/

I strongly recommend checking it out. 

Barbara and Michael Leisgen

"I wanted to write "stay"

on your sides, surround

your bed with oceans 

of salt.  I hope he folds you

into a fox, loves you

like a splintered arrow,

brandishes the kill

of your lips. May the bouquet

of your hips wither.

May the wolves

forget your name."

- J. Bradley

"It's said it takes seven years to grow completely new skin cells. To think, this year I will grow into a body you never will have touched. "

-Brett Elizabeth Jenkins

I went to Memphis, TN for the long weekend and let me tell you...it was fantastic.

Immediately after getting out of my car, I could tell that Memphis oozes good vibes. Yeah, some parts of it are kind of slummy. But, the people are wonderful. Everyone was so kind and welcoming. I made friends instantly and was frequently advised to transfer from UA to MCA. 

Instead of hearing phrases like, "Ayy, baby gurl. Lemme holla achu."or "I bet you fuck a lot of ugly guys since you're not in a sorority." I heard people telling Lauren that I was pretty and that I belong there. When I was sitting in a metals studio for only thirty minutes and wearing a VISITOR name tag, someone asked me to help them with a project that they were working on. Everyone knows each other and is always eager to meet new people.  In some classes at UA, you can go an entire semester without anyone saying a word to you. In Memphis, people are genuinely interested in other people and the diversity was a refreshing change. UA is great for so many people--there just isn't much for me. 

I can't even begin to describe the weekend that I had. I'm just so thankful that it was possible.